10 Things that Emily Selfishly wants to make her stay in
Ukraine Better
No fish on public transportation:
I propose a new law prohibiting fish from public transportation. Not only will I ban people from eating fish
the day they use public transportation, but a mandatory shower or bucket bath
must be taken if fish is eaten within two days of using public transportation. I know, it may seem a little strict, but gosh
darn it, every time I get on a long bus or train ride I inevitably get stuck
next to the person who just ate fish or has fish in their bag with them. This is no ordinary fish. It's raw and the smell is so noxious I end
each ride with a headache.
Eat! Eat! Limit of
three:
Eat! Eat!
No thank
you.
Eat! Eat!
No, I just
ate, thank you.
Eat! Eat!
No, really,
I'm not hungry.
Eat! Eat!
I'm
serious. I just ate and I'm not hungry.
Eat! Eat!
I just did,
didn't you see me? You must have been
turned the other way.
Eat! Eat!
Oh! Is that my cell phone vibrating….oh, yep,
it's my mom…..from AMERICA.
Very important, I'll just step inside the other room.
I understand
hospitality. I understand that the
people here want to make sure I am well fed.
But seriously people! If I don't
want to eat I don't want to eat! I'm 27
and I think I can tell hunger signals by now.
Seeing that I know I will never fully get rid of people trying to make
me eat I'm willing to compromise on this one, but three's the limit!
All Ukrainians are required to wear a
watch: Because none of them seem to wear them. And inevitably, I am the one they ask for
time…no comments on my big calculator watch please. I actually stopped wearing my watch this
summer because one woman in particular that put me over the edge. She asked me what time it was. I answered.
"What!" she asked. I repeated
myself and she gave me a look as if I were an idiot. So I move my arm to show her the time. "I asked
you the time! I don't want to see
it!" Uh-huh. I repeated myself one more time. She repeated back a number I have never heard
of, and I said, yes, that's the time.
Marshmallows mandatory in each village: When Nastia makes hot chocolate she
always adds two or three extra spoonfuls of sugar. Sugar is a staple of the Ukrainian lifestyle
and it is beyond me why marshmallows are not a fixture in every household. I really just want a smores….though now that
I think of it they don't have graham crackers either.
Cigarettes and Alcohol banned from trains –
shower required: Along with the fish, alcohol and cigarettes combined with
a strong stench of BO can make any train ride unsatisfying. I would point out that I always get stuck
next to that person, but the point is that everyone gets drunk before a train
ride and everyone in Ukraine
smokes. Stale cigarettes+alcohol+BO= bad!
Mandatory
termination of possessed geese: Everyday on my way to school I pass by
numerous large groups of geese.
Sometimes I pass by unheeded and without notice, but other times I am
charged by an angry mob of possessed geese.
They honk, lower their necks and stampede leaving me to wonder if it
would hurt to get bit by a goose. Sure,
I could run away or take the long way around, but geese are much lower in the
food chain and I don't want them to get the best of me. Plus Ukrainians would hurt themselves
laughing if they saw the American running down the street being chased by irate
geese.
No piles of tires outside schools:
Maybe I'm biased on this one since the Happy Children Club stacked them in
front of the door and locked me in, but really, who puts piles of tires in
front of schools for crazy children to stack in front of doors?
All dogs should be happy and unthreatening:
I used to love dogs. Now I dream of
throwing potatoes at the neighbor's vicious dog that keeps me awake all
night. I actually did have a dream about
eating this particular dog for dinner – no joke! Ukraine if full of stray dogs, or
"pets that wander the village at random."
It's an awful feeling when being followed by one of these "pets" because
it usually invokes daydreams that include rabies shots, shredded skin and big
teeth.
Children who misbehave in class
automatically disappear for the day: I sat in on the English classes today
and my two favorite brothers were in the 8B class. They talked back, threw spitballs at other
students and me, and the older one stared at me – testing me, even daring me to
say something. Wouldn't it be easier if
they just disappeared for the day, even the hour? No need to yell or to make a scene when you
are sending them to the director. Just
snap your fingers and problem children banished to an unknown place where they
only speak English.
A gym for me! Ok, so this one is a little farfetched, but I
want a gym to spontaneously appear in my village. Only I could use it, and the doors would open
in just in case a pile of tires appeared in front of the building. I'm not asking for much. Just a track, some cardio and weight machines, maybe a yoga
instructor and a lounge with free Internet.
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2 comments:
Hmm... if those wishes came true, then you would be back in America and not Ukraine. What fun would that be? =)
Ha! This stuff is hilarious! I assume that realistically, it's not that hilarious for you though. You need to write a book about this bass-ackward place! Miss you!
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