11-17-08 Beginning of the End
Okay, okay. I know. I haven’t posted since when? September? It’s not that I haven’t wanted to or tried. I have a document with at least five stories that I have started but haven’t found the motivation to finish. The problem is that everything is normal now. I can’t seem to find a situation that is funny or strange enough to warrant writing about. I have even tried to place myself in your shoes – what would you find crazy or different? Unfortunately my life just seems boring to write about – too commonplace.

I should clarify that I’m not bored. I’ve actually been quite busy. I missed three weeks of school in a row this October/November. First was due to hives. I was covered in them and I still don’t know why. All I know is that I spent a week in a Benadryl lull until I could get to a pharmacy for Claritin. The following week I left for a grant review meeting then taught fellow volunteers how to write grants at a seminar near Kyiv. In between the Benadryl and the seminar was Fall break. And lastly this past Friday I spent a day teaching HIV/AIDS education at an Institute in Odessa.

I teach this week as normal – five English classes, grades 2 – 6. Then my dad and brother arrive in Ukraine for a week of fun. I plan on making them buy the train tickets. I know Russian and I get yelled at because of my accent. It should be fun to watch them try – I want them to get the real experience.

I feel somewhat guilty about missing all of my classes so often. At the same time though, I really don’t enjoy teaching. Sadly, when I arrive at site I feel unmotivated to do anything. I know that’s wrong, but it’s like going to a job you dislike every day and trying to stay positive. I love the kids and sometimes they actually behave and I have a good time. More often than not though, I find myself asking what the point of my being here is. I’m not so sure the kids learn anything from me at all and as for learning about America through me being there, I just don’t see it.

So I purposely look for events outside of my site to keep me motivated and happy. I feel better when I’m helping a volunteer write a grant for their site or giving a lecture to University students about HIV/AIDS education than when I’m teaching third formers words associated with winter; words that they will forget before the class ends.

I’m not sure when the transition began, but at some point my friends and I stopped talking about what was new and crazy and instead talked about what we were going to miss. The earliest I can leave Ukraine is May 18, exactly six months from tomorrow. Perhaps it seems early to be thinking about home already, but time really does fly. The group that arrived before mine can officially leave tomorrow, meaning that I am now a “senior.” My group is now the oldest and most experienced in Ukraine, also the next to leave.

As the clock counts down (181 days and 11 hours) America comes more into focus. I try to put myself back into my home country in my thoughts but am at a loss of where to place myself. The stress of figuring out “what’s next?!” is already weighing heavily upon me. Thus far I have been far removed from the falling economy and job losses and the time when I have to throw myself into that is fast on my heels.

I truly love my life here and already mourn the moment when it ends. I’ll miss this network of friends that I have around me that know exactly what I am going through when I have a problem or need to vent. I’ll miss feeling the independence and accomplishment of living normally in a foreign country. I’ll miss the crazy, unexpected events that occur so often. The little things, like the crazy man selling carrots at the bazaar or the English teacher on the train that wakes me up at 3 am to practice talking; the things that make this country what it is. I’ll miss my host family, who, with my already deteriorating Russian, I wonder if I’ll be able to keep in touch with even a year down the road.

I have no regrets here. Even during my first six months at site when I was so unhappy and lost. This experience gave me exactly what I was looking for, it has made me better. A better person, a better friend, a better listener, better at everything (except at speaking English). I know that even though I will leave Ukraine in six months, Ukraine will never really leave me. That makes me happy.