I live in a field.: Ready, set, go!

4-6-08

Time has a habit of making things clearer. When I
first arrived back in Ukraine I tried to write about
my trip home. It came out how I felt. Dazed and
tired. Now already a week home, I look back at my
trip to America with a lucidity I didn't have before.
I knew it would go quick, just not that quick. Not
that each moment was chaotic, just the overall
picture. My plane schedule didn't help. Three planes
in bad weather, including a nine hour layover in
Amsterdam and a talkative man on the plane didn't
allow for sleep. I am not afraid of flying, but the
trip from Vienna to Amsterdam felt like the twilight
zone. Forty mile per hour winds and two inches of
rain were expected that night. I was seated near the
wing and when I looked out the window at the rain
reflected in the lighted clouds it looked like we were
going warp speed. Everything was dark grey streaks
and the plane wobbled like a toy. Through the
turbulence I couldn't tell if we had landed or if it
was just another stomach dropping jolt. I didn't
think it could get much worse when they turned the
lights on to the emergency exits. When we finally
landed there was a collective sigh of relief.
If I had to choose one word that would encompass my
entire trip it would be 'exhausting.' Not only
because I was in has a constant rush from one placed
to another, but also because I was back in a culture
of accessibility and convenience that I hadn't
experienced in a year. To be able to use water from
faucets freely, to not worry about the amount of time
in the shower and the access to heat without shoving
wood and coal in a wall is all so easy. Laundry
machines, driers, Target, printing pictures, coffee,
grocery stores – all so uncomplicated, leaving plenty
of time to get other errands done.
The overall variety and steady stimuli were simply
overpowering. I'm not used to overhearing
conversations and understanding everything. I'm not
used to being around many people for more than a
weekend. At one point, frustrated at my computer and
throwing a fit, I exclaimed "you just don't
understand!" It wasn't about the computer at all. It
was about being overwhelmed and tired. I don't expect
my family or friends to understand exactly how it
felt. They'd have to do something like to Peace Corps
to actually get it.
I predicted that there wouldn't be enough time to see
and talk to everyone I wanted to, but even still it
was disappointing. Worse were those that said they
would call but didn't. It already feels like I've
lost friends since I'd been here. Again, I expected
this. I've tried to keep in touch, but what is the
point of keeping in touch with people who don't keep
in touch with me? Perhaps when I finally come 'home'
things will pick up like I've never been gone. Still,
this has been one of the most difficult aspects of
Peace Corps.
The hardest part, apart from feeling dull from lack of
sleep and jetlag, was being pushed back into a box
that I feel I'd broken free from. This means no
offence to anyone. I just feel like I've changed
here. I feel like I am free to live with those
changes in Ukraine because no one knows me
differently. But being back around people who knew me
before was constricting in some ways. I didn't feel
like myself – it didn't feel real. I felt forced to
react in ways that I didn't want to because that's how
it had always been.

Don't think me ungrateful or not happy that I got to
see everyone. That's the last thing I would want. I
strive to be honest and revealing in my writing and to
say that the whole thing was like a fairy tale would
be a lie. I'd instead compare it to a trip to Candy
Land. It's a fun journey with a lot of old friends
but there are certainly drawbacks along the way.
The best part, of course, were the family (including
the dog) and friends that I did get to see. Some I
rarely talked to in the last year but did pick up like
I hadn't been gone. This gives me hope. Through the
chaos I was able to have fun and relax a little in the
company of those I care about most. My recently 90
year old Gra seems younger than she did before I left
and I was so happy to see my best friend before she
has outside fetus (her words). And I have to give a
shout out to Mel. I wouldn't have gotten anywhere
without you and wouldn't change that for a moment!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Other highlights? The food was amazing – I ate enough
in tortilla chips to feed a family of twelve. In all,
I had two Mexican nights, sushi, pizza, turkey,
salmon, a cheeseburger, pasta, fresh salads and
everything else I can't get in Ukraine. My body paid
for that when I got back and couldn't eat for two days
because I was too nauseated. It was worth it.
I admit honestly that I'm scared to come home for
good. I know it would be easier with more time, but
the pressure to always be doing something productive
will be overwhelming. Another 15 months will make it
even more daunting. I don't even want to think of
getting a job much less doing a job that requires me
to get more than one thing off my check list every
day. I don't need to think about that now.
And lastly, a huge thank you to mom and dad for the
ticket home! Although it was overwhelming and
stressful, it was worth it to see you for a few days.
And now I know what to expect in another year or so!