Life here is starting to feel like a slow incline
upwards. Sometimes, like in a car, I don't even
notice that I am ascending. But most times it feels
like a bike, where even the smallest incline requires
so much effort. At least I know I'm going somewhere.
I spend so much time focusing on what is right in
front of me – the frustration, the failure and the
miscommunications – that when something positive comes
through if feels like a warm ray of light.
In fact, I spend most of my time focusing on the
negative. I wrote a list just last night. The "what
I like" column had four things. The "what I don't
like" column had twelve things. The things I don't
like aren't light things like lack of electricity or
plumbing. They include things like not understanding
Ukrainian, lesson planning and school boys – weighty
things that I have no ability to change and have
somehow found a way to make my life difficult.
I listen to the advice of many friends all telling me
it's not working. I feel like looking at the reasons
it is not working is all I think about and talk about.
"A square peg in a round hole," someone just told me
after I explained that I didn't feel like I was
putting enough effort in. Is more effort going to
make me like doing something that I don't like?
Square peg.
Yet somehow, with everything blaring "wrong!" in my
face, I can't muster up the courage to change sites.
Sometimes I think it is fear of starting over, fear of
not fitting in at my next site either. But on days
like today, warm in the ray of light that has somehow
managed to penetrate the gray Ukrainian skies, I feel
that the possibility of happiness is real and near.
And not only happiness, but the prospect of doing
something that makes a difference here. I have to
admit, as much as I hate teaching sometimes, my second
and third graders are starting to grow on me.
Yesterday we made Alphabet Books. Their task was to
write the letters of the alphabet on pages and then
draw a picture of a word starting with that letter.
For example, page one would have a big and little 'a'
written and then a picture of an apple. Once they got
the idea they were so excited about the project that
after each page they ran up to show me. When the club
ended and I thanked them for coming and for a good
job, they replied, "no! Thank you!"
Today I met with two youth organizations in the
village (finally!). Not only did we plan a project
for World AIDS Day on December 1st, we got through our
miscommunications to do it. It wasn't easy, but the
perseverance paid off. I was invited to their meeting
tomorrow and they are going to ask that people speak
Russian so I can understand some of it. The
possibilities with these two organizations, one of
them the crazy lady, seem real all of the sudden. The
Green Tourism project suddenly seems like more of a
reality. And just last week a new youth NGO was
started. The teacher who started it told me they had
a name and were finally official! She wants to write
a project with me to get a grant.
Everyone here wants grants and money from me. I used
to look at that as being used somehow – that people
didn't really want to get know me, they just wanted me
to deliver. Now I look at it as an opportunity to
plan something together and to get to know each other
though a project. I know it is not going to be easy,
but the challenges and difficulties of the situation
are worth it.
And so I peddle on, with much effort, slowly gaining
altitude and coming to terms with what I can do
instead of what is impossible. The boys kicking
basketballs at my head will not disappear. My
counterpart will never really want to help me. The
Ukrainian language will not spontaneously appear in my
head. But I peddle on, hoping that the small ray of
sun will turn into blue skies.
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