Saying Goodbye

May 11, 2009
7 Days, 20 hours, 36 minutes.
They told me the time would fly and I knew it would. I just can't believe it's almost over. I've been finishing all of my "lasts" for a few months now and there aren't many left. I've already had my last bus ride home, my last visits to all of my friends' villages, my last walk to the beach. Pretty much all that lies ahead is my last goodbye and my last train ride out of the country.

Was it all worth it? Am I glad I came? After two years of indifference at site, ecology speeches, yelling people, cabbage and sausage, drunks, trains and busses, an outhouse, hand washing my clothes, not understanding and possessed children who shoot me with BB guns, I can say without a doubt that this was the best experience of my life.

Before I get to the sappy, sentimental reasons I'll miss this place, I should make a note about what I will not miss. Just because I loved my life here doesn't mean I was always happy. I've had my fair share of depressed moments and winters. As with any list I'm sure I will miss something, but you'll get the general idea.

Reason One: I've seen all of my movies at least thirty times. I've watched the second Narnia movie at least five times and dammit!, that lion gets me every time! How can you not cry when they go back to the real world knowing that they will never see Narnia again? Not only that, I just finished watching Wall-E for the tenth time and it is still pulling at my heart strings. I just want to give that little animated robot a big hug! And I admit it, I watched Robocop I last night (there are three…do I dare watch the second tonight?!) and thought it was pretty darn awesome – what catch phrases, like when Robo says "your move, scumbag," in his robo voice. It doesn't get much better than that. Don't even get me started on Roadhouse with Patrick Swayze.

Reason Two: I "knew" this group of students in university that called themselves the Potato Bandits. One night, after way too many days spent at this particular building, they decided they needed to do something to pay it back for the misery and depression it caused. After much research and planning, they "potatoed" the school, among other things. Basically, that means they hid potatoes all over the building, in every corner and in every room. They even glued plastic eyes to some of them. I often recall this memory in Ukraine. Not only because I happened to be here in the International Year of the Potato, but because I was forced to eat potatoes for over a year before I decided to ban all forms from my life. If that's not karma I don't know what is.

Reason Three: There are 52 weeks in a year. I like to get out of my field for a bit of perspective and friendship, which means a lot of traveling. The bus to Odessa takes a minimum of 2.5 hours. Let's say I travel for 42 weekends a year. If I was just going to Odessa, that means I spent 420 hours on a bus in the past two years, round trip.

Realistically, I was more often going farther than Odessa. The minimum train ride is eight hours. The maximum I took was 23. Let's estimate that half of the trips I take are to farther destinations than Odessa – let's just estimate at 10 hours. 1,260 hours, or roughly 52 days or 7 weeks, were spent in transit. Yeah yeah, I know that a lot of you travel a lot in your cars or on planes. I'm talking about 52 days spent on old soviet buses and trains. Busses that shoot exhaust through the air vents and that regularly break down, and on trains that flush openly onto the tracks and that are more often than not packed with drunks. And somehow I am still going to miss those trains.

Reason Four: I'm almost 29 and I live in a room.

Reason Five: Drunks are everywhere. It's a huge problem in my village, in the cities, on the busses and trains. I can smell them coming and see them staggering down the street. And speaking of bad habits I won't miss the smokers. A no-smoking section in a restaurant consists of a sign on a table. It doesn't matter if the table next to you has smokers or not. And everyone smokes. Boo!

Reason Six: The word was said aloud a few weeks ago: Indifference. I always felt that the teachers at my school were indifferent towards me, but to have one of them actually put it into words is….I don't know what the correct reaction is – vindication that I didn't do as much as I wanted because people here weren't willing to help, or the sense of a lost opportunity. I almost switched sites at the beginning but was convinced to stay. If I had moved, would it have been to somewhere that really wanted a volunteer? But that's all the looking back with regret or 'what ifs' you're going to get. It is what it is.

Reason Seven: I fear for my sense of fashion. I have no qualms about wearing a horizontally striped shirt with my pin stripped dress pants. The most compliments I have received at school was when I wore my new hot pink, teal and white striped sweater with the lace up neck paired with my army green dress pants. And I almost thought that the red scrunchie I had in my hair last week was cool….almost.

Reason Eight: In music school I learned to never call a classical piece a "song." I actually did that a few weeks ago. I went from music school snob to techno at 8 am. That needs to change….maybe. Sometimes.
Reason Nine: Yelling people. Why do they need to yell? Why do they tell me I'm stupid for having an accent? I am a non-confrontational person living in a confrontational culture.

Reason Ten: There are stray dogs everywhere and I've been lucky to get by without a bite, though there are plenty of times when I've been threatened. Dogs here are very territorial – not the conventional American pet you're used to. Luckily I just finished Marley & Me and after bawling at the Simpferopol train station I have a renewed love of our furry friends. Cats are still kinda gross though.
I'm sure there are more reasons but dwelling on them isn't the best idea. Though honestly, I am at a point where I look at the "negatives" with more humor or sadness than anger. They are part of what made life here what it was. Perhaps after the above revelations you can't imagine me crying at all for the life I will soon leave behind. Perhaps the reason I always cry at the end of Narnia is because I identify with it. The kids go to another world where the characters are fighting and unhappy. But their lives are all about the adventure in this new place and what they learn from it. When it's time to return to their real lives they only have each other to reminisce about their past life with. Yeah. I just compared my life with Narnia.

In the end, I can honestly say that I've loved my life here – not my job, and I am always clear about differentiating life and work – but everyday life. I will miss the soviet trains even though the toilets empty onto the tracks. I will miss the extensive bus system even though my snot is black for 6 hours after because of the exhaust. I will miss travelling to friends' sites and cooking Mexican lasagna or something equally unhealthy with extra sour cream. I will miss the crazy traditions like taking shots and jumping over burning tires and standing in church until 4 am on Easter morning and then gorging on paska and eggs. I will miss the feeling of accomplishment when I have a successful conversation in Russian.
What really made life here amazing is what it gave to me. It gave me independence. It gave me patience. It gave me laughter and taught me to dance. And it gave me the most supportive and understanding friends imaginable. There are few situations in life that someone can say they know exactly what you are talking about. I'm talking about mundane, everyday Ukrainian things, like a non-supportive community, forced ecology speeches, getting drunk at school or having the drunkard that smells like alcohol and fish sit near you on the bus. I can call my friends any day, any day, with any kind of story and get a similar story in return. When I return home these will be the people I call when I'm having trouble readjusting. The people that will be going through the exact same thing for a time.

In Ukraine I learned to laugh at the unexpected and unintended situations. A bus breaking down on the side of the road for four hours is just life. A woman offering Mackenzie a bite of her block of butter is hilarious. A friend falling in a trough of cow shit is a once in a lifetime story. And really, why worry about situations that can't change? For all of the really bad moments I've had here, I've had a corresponding really good moment. Whether that moment was something huge like jumping over burning tires while doing vodka shots or it's something small like sitting on a bench in Odessa with friends on the first warm day of spring; it's these moments that make up life. And you know what Rhianna and T.I. say. Just LIVE YOUR LIFE!

My goal in coming to Peace Corps was to become a better person - a very broad goal – and overall I'd say I am. I learned not only about a new culture and language, but about myself and what I am capable of. I've always considered myself somewhat shy and reticent but when I tell my friends here that they laugh. I'm more confident, patient, aware and spontaneous. I have no qualms about dancing on a busy street for a music video.

The biggest fear that lies ahead is this little place called America. My reference for the past two years is Ukraine and will thus be the only thing I am capable of talking about….I apologize in advance, but please understand, this is my life. Here I am always ready for the unexpected and have come to expect a certain amount of chaos and misunderstandings in daily life. I have a feeling that this is going to make life in America feel somewhat slow. Oddly though, you'll have to mix in the fact that the pace of life is slower here. So while I'll feel that life is slow because of a lack adventure and Ukrainian chaos, the pace will be going much too quickly for me. What do you mean I have to finish something in a day? What will I do tomorrow?

Actually tomorrow I am going to pack my backpack (for the last time) and walk through the fields of yellow flowers (for the last time) and clean my room (for the last time). Mark your calendars kids. After a brief detour in Budapest, Egypt, Thailand, Laos and Cambodia, I'll be landing in sunny Detroit on June 20, exactly two years after being sworn in as Peace Corps Volunteer.
Peace OUT Ukraine!! I'll miss you. I really will.